Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts

Sunday, 15 May 2016

Bitten again


Yes, I am talking about my book again! Please forgive me. There's more blogs coming soon at the Vet Times - I'll link to them soon.

In the mean time, my new novel Once Bitten is officially out today! Available as a paperback and an eBook on Amazon, you can find the links to it on my dedicated Once Bitten page here: er... here



Also, I wanted to share the first review of it with you, as further enticement!
'There is something irresistible about a book that comes from the heart, and that's what this is. A real pleasure to read from start to finish. Made me laugh so hard I spat my morning coffee all over my kindle, then not long afterwards it had me crying my eyes out. Please take off your rosey coloured spectacles though, and be prepared if you are a pet owner to take a good look at yourself...Nick Marsh has a way of getting you thinking about the animals around us, be they pets, wildlife or farm animals, in terms of their well-being first and our emotional baggage second. Highly recommended! Hope there are more to come.' Amazon reviewer
 If you do go on and buy it, reviews on Goodreads and Amazon are always appreciated, and may bring a pretty smile to my face. Unless they're horrible.

Have a wonderful day!

Nick

Monday, 9 May 2016

Once Bitten

It's an exciting day at Marsh Towers - the proofreading copy for my new novel, Once Bitten, is here!


I am very pleased with the cover design (courtesy of Jim McNulty of JMC Design and Motion Ltd), and it's been far too long since I had a book out. Release is imminent (within a week) and so in celebration, and as it's hard to share champagne on the internet, here's a sneak preview of the prologue. I hope you enjoy!


Prologue: Indestructible Alien Mercenary

When I was a child, my parents were intense holidaymakers. Not for them package flights to the Algarve or the Costa del Sol; no, they didn’t feel a holiday was worthwhile unless it involved a tremendous amount of planning and work. They would spend months scrutinising maps of northern Europe, patiently plotting points, measuring distances and noting places of interest and fuel way-stations. Entering our kitchen in the weeks leading up to a summer holiday was like walking into Fighter Command during the Battle of Britain.
                My parents were both teachers, and they were determined to make the best of our long summer holidays, which meant that the trips usually lasted three and sometimes four weeks – an eternity when I was ten. Large sections of my childhood holiday memories consist of the image of the back of my dad’s seat rest in our old Nissan Bluebird, which I watched while I wondered how much farther we had to go to reach the next marked spot on my parents' much pored-over map.
                The monotony of these long trips was occasionally leavened by my parents pulling into a lay-by beside the autobahn and swearing over that map whilst my nan, my brother and I quietly drank orange juice from pre-packed cartons[1]. These diversions were the exception rather than the rule, though, and for the rest of the time it was good to have something to occupy my mind - something to read. Therefore, my personal preparations for these epic holidays involved meticulously choosing which books I was going to take for the journey.
                I must have been at a particularly impressionable age during the holiday that stands out in my mind because I packed two books that had such an impact upon me that they affected the
entire future trajectory of my life.
                The first book was called Deathwing over Veynaa, by Douglas Hill, and it was about an indestructible alien mercenary from the planet Moros.
                The second was Every Living Thing, by James Herriot.
                When I’d finished them, I knew that was it for me. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my time on Earth.
                Unfortunately, I soon discovered that it’s incredibly difficult to actually become an indestructible alien mercenary, so I settled on trying to become a vet instead.

*

                The Legionnaires of Moros were mercenaries, but they were ethical - they never joined a fight that wasn't morally right, and they never did it just for the money. Their quest was to make the galaxy a better place, one job at a time. Back on my Earth, there were a disappointing lack of alien battalions to fight, but I felt I could still serve my galaxy with honour. If James Herriot had made me want to be a veterinary surgeon, the Legions of Moros had made me want to do it right. Which is why, fifteen years later, when I stood in a marquee in a field at the Langford Veterinary School in Bristol University, dressed in black robes and reciting the oath of the veterinary surgeon, every word of it came straight from my soul:
                ‘I promise above all that I will pursue the work of my profession with uprightness of conduct, and that my constant endeavor will be to ensure the welfare of the animals committed to my care.’
                In that marquee at Langford, I stood up to speak the words as an apprentice, but I sat down as a legionnaire. The oath was my own Quest. I was going to make the galaxy better, one animal at a time.
                Like many brave heroes, those around me sometimes doubted me. Was I sure? they asked. Was I cut out for it? I wasn't the world's most outgoing person - I was shy and nerdy. It was a hard job. Wasn't I more suited for a job in administration, or I.T., or academia? I remember one melancholy trip to the pub with an old school friend who kept saying, 'Two years, mate. I give it two years before you're worn down, and you quit.'               
                This is the story of those two years. It's the story of the oath, and my quest, and the journey that it took me on.




[1] I know they meant well, but the taste of warm cardboardy orange juice slurped down in autobahn lay-bys was enough to put me off drinking it for fifteen years.

Monday, 7 September 2015

That is not dead which can eternal lie...

The blog is not dead, only sleeping! The reason for the quiet here is that I've been commissioned to write blogs twice monthly for the Vet Times, as and the subject matter is very similar to the sort of things I normally pop here, my usual posts have died down.

I am still posting, though - you can find all my Vet Times blogs here! They're still just as funny/annoying/tedious as before, only now I'm getting paid for them. I may see if I can sell them some of this old rope I have lying around too...

Thanks for visiting, though! There's still plenty to see here. How about taking a look at my books - my humorous (well, I thought so, anyway) veterinary/science fiction novels Soul Purpose and Past Tense, my epic fantasy novel The Ancients, or my thrilling Orient-Express-based horror novel, The Express Diaries. Mmm, 1920's terror! The best kind.

If you're still bored or still have more lunch to eat, here's a list of my personal favorite blog posts (your opinion may vary, of course - feel free to comment, I'm still here!).

Dog #86324 - not a cheery one, but the most honest writing I have done, about euthanasia
Lingua Medica - my favourite informative post, detangling medical terminology
The Mutt's Nuts - this consultation still makes me shudder
Geri - a lament for my beloved lurcher, Geri
Breeding Difficulties - home truths about what it means to breed pedigree animals
A Disease of Economic Importance - the foot and mouth disease crisis of 2001

There are plenty more, so feel free to explore - just please remember to wash your hands afterwards. See you in the Vet Times ;)

Monday, 18 March 2013

Soul Purpose and Past Tense

Greetings, dreamweavers, and welcome to the dark recesses of my brain, guaranteed to fear you up badly (and in case that wasn't obvious, that was a small homage to the great Garth Marenghi) and the reason I bring up Romford's greatest son is because this little post is about two of my babies.

The rights of my first two novels, Soul Purpose and Past Tense, recently reverted back to me, having been published by Immanion Press for 6 years or so. I've been having a read over my oldies, and have performed a little routine cosmetic surgery on some of the more badly-aged paragraphs (hard to believe there was no such thing as an iPhone when I scribbled down Soul Purpose; Dark times, my friend, dark times).

I was always proud of these two - the 'Conduit' novels - stories of an unhappy vet who accidentally becomes a link between our world and the spirit world. I was also very pleased to realise that I'm a much happier vet now than I was back then. It must be the catharsis of all this blog writing. Well, that or the wine.

Anyway, after some deliberation, I've decided to release their slightly nipped and tucked forms onto the Amazon Kindle web store, where I hope they'll be very happy. The only tiny issue is that I'm effectively starting again from the customer review point of view, so if you've read them before I'd really appreciate a review on the new versions - sales of books on the kindle store are strongly review-driven, as people don't have a lot else to go on. I think you may need to have bought the new version of the book to do it, so if you're willing to re-write your review let me know, and I'll gift you a copy through amazon.

If you haven't read them before, bear in mind they are now to be found at a greatly reduced price, and I still get the same amount in royalties as I ever did - which certainly helps with the wine acquisition.

If you're interested, I'd advise you to wait a few weeks before purchasing, because I'm planning have a free book giveaway of Soul Purpose in two or three weeks. If you absolutely can't wait that long (and who amongst us could blame you?) then feel free to pop 'em on your kindlebox immediately.

Many thanks, pilgrims.

Nick

Soul Purpose is here on Amazon UK and here on Amazon US
and Past Tense is here on Amazon UK and here on Amazon US

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Approaching the station...

All right, I admit it, I'm running out of train-based puns for blog titles for The Express Diaries. I've still got 'off the rails' up my sleeve, but I'm hoping I don't have to use that one, to be honest. Anyway, it shouldn't be a problem, as this is a quick post to say that my latest novel, The Express Diaries, is at the printers. We've just signed off on the completed cover - want a peek? No? Tough, here it is.

Isn't it pretty? I'm so pleased with Eric's cover art. But enough ego-boosting for the artist, how about some for the poor writer, eh?

Well, as it happens, the Express Diaries has juts had it's first review over at Horrorzine, and it is, if I may use the vernacular, amazeballs.
(Am I using that word right? I feel I'm not using it right. Also, I've learned recently it really doesn't travel across the Atlantic very well. Don't worry, it's not in the book).



The review is from Dr. Kevin Hillman, and contains probably the nicest quote I've ever had in a review, which is...


Aww. I'd better not read it again in case my head gets any bigger. Sadly it came in just a few days to late to plaster all over the cover in dayglo pink, which would have naturally have been my first choice. But don't take my word for it - head over to Horrorzine to have a peek at the full review. 

The Express Diaries can be pre-ordered from the 1st September from Innsmouth House, and we're expecting a release date of late September/early October. There'll also be an electronic version available on Amazon for all you cheapska... er... technophiles our there.

Right, that's enough from me for the time being. Veterinary blog to follow soon, I promise!

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Fundtastic!

Hi all

This is a brief and rather humble post (I know, normal service will be resumed shortly!) to say thank you to everyone who has funded The Express Diaries - we've reached our target in under a week, so my new novel will definitely see the light of day!

There's still some exciting rewards available for funders - see over at www.indiegogo.com/expressdiaries - but I really just wanted to say thank you all. You're all lovely. Especially you - yes, you, there.

I've been rather busy of late with promotions (which  I'm sure my twitter followers will be heartily sick of by now) and work, but I haven't forgotten about the blog - I'm hoping to do a little piece about home visits some time in the next week.

Until then - thank you! You're all, as I'm sure Stephen Fry would say if he were here, enormous buckets of loveliness.

As a reward, here's a rather excellent trailer that YSDC made for the book :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=xU_ZUAlsT6E

Friday, 13 April 2012

All Aboard!

All aboard! All aboard the Orient Express!


Yes, it's officially my least imaginative blog title ever (and it's up against some pretty stiff competition, believe me)

This is a quick post to mention that my new novel, The Express Diaries, has now been officially announced over at www.yog-sothoth.com.

The Express Diaries is a pulp horror adventure set aboard Europe's most famous train, as our intrepid heroes race across the continent to try and thwart a twisted cult from fulfilling their evil plans (mwah hah hah!)

I've done a few teasers about the novel already - you can read a few sample sections here and here. The book itself is going to be funded one of them-thar new fangled fundraiser things. This is good for us, because it ensures the book will be paid for before we publish it - and what's more it's great for you, because there are some pretty exciting rewards up for grabs if you want to help out - such as being written or drawn into the novel yourself, signed copies of the artwork and book, and much more!

The fundraiser has now started - pop over and have a look at the exciting offers available! So, I hope you'll join me as we go full steam ahead on our train ride into adventure and darkness. Let's hope it doesn't go off the rails...


(What a line, eh? Garth Marenghi would have been proud of that one!)

Thursday, 22 March 2012

The 99p Challenge!

Ahh, - the 99p Challenge. A fondly remembered radio 4 show from back in the days when Simon Pegg wasn't immensely famous. And also, coincidentally - and for a limited time only - the new price of my fantasy eBook, the Ancients!

That's right - don't waste your money on a couple of Snickers bars (although they will forever be Marathon bars to me) or a litre of organic milk, when you can get a whole full length fantasy eBook instead. The Ancients is crunchy, nutritious, free of additives is ONLY ONE CALORIE! What more could you ask?

For the Kindle-types amongst you, The Ancients can be procured from your friendly local amazon store, amazon.co.uk. If you are lucky enough to live in the US (at least, for the purposes of this offer) then you can get the Ancients for the EVEN CHEAPER price of $0.99! (I've no idea what your chocolate bars cost over there though, but I can say from bitter experience of attempting to eat a Reece's Pieces bar that confectionary does not translate well across the Atlantic)

If you have a different eReader, or for some reason you like reading your eBooks in a different format every day, head over to smashwords, where your $0.99 will get you 8 different file types - including ePub, PDF and .doc, as well as being available for online reading.

So, don't delay! Join the 99p revolution - the challenge is simple! Merely click on the link, part with the teeny tiny amount of money, and enjoy your new eBook.

(Also, track down the 99p Challenge and listen to it - it's very good)

(PLEASE NOTE - YOU'VE MISSED IT NOW, SORRY. It's back up to £1.99 - but don't let that stop you!)

Monday, 19 March 2012

The Express Diaries - 2

With a clattering of iron wheels, a sinister plume of smoke, and a slightly-less sinister chuff-chuffing noise, The Express Diaries edges closer to it's terrifying final destination - your brain! 

And so, it's time to tease you a little more with a few glimpses into my new novel. They say a picture paints a thousand words - so here's a whole short-story's worth from Eric's easel...

Ms. Grace Murphy - young spinster, secretary to Betty Sunderland, and good friends with Violet Davenport



*****


"Within ten minutes we found ourselves standing in a quaint, cobbled courtyard, outside an old, glass-fronted shop. The window was filled with all manner of stuffed animals, and a weathered sign hanging above the door proclaimed

‘Wellington Fils
Taxidermie
50, Rue St. Etienne’

 Extract from the diary of Mrs Betty Sunderland


*****


‘But...how on earth are we supposed to find...’ Violet began, but at that moment we heard a great clanking of gears from somewhere above us. Looking up, we saw a campanile, some five stories up, and as we watched a pair of figures jerked in to view in front of the great clock face. A winged angel, sword in hand, and cloaked, hooded Death, holding his scythe, stood before each other. They began a slow, mechanical battle, whilst the chimes for six o’clock pealed across the courtyard. After a brief struggle, the angel retreated. It appeared that Death was victorious.
            ‘Where is more likely to be struck by lightning,’ I suggested, ‘than a clock tower?’
Extract from Milos Valinchek's journal
*****

And finally... another excerpt from the diaries themselves, where our intrepid party discover the tragedy that has struck an old friend...

Colonel Neville Goodenough’s Personal Notes, Saturday, October 24th 1925

The cab drove away as I walked towards the door of the bedsit where our friend’s card suggested we would find him.  As the others watched, I knocked on the door, not at all sure what to expect.
            I admit that I was surprised after a few moments the door opened an inch or so, and Beddows peered out into the street, blinking in the grey light of the day.
            Now Beddows is a man fastidious in nature, and respected around town as one of the finest manservants a fellow could ask for. I have never seen him anything other than immaculately turned out, so to see the gaunt, dishevelled figure blink nervously at us without a hint of relief came as almost as much a shock to me as anything I saw in the trenches. I heard Betty and Violet gasp behind me, but he paid them no attention.
            ‘You came,’ he said, flatly, leaving the door open just a crack. He seemed to be waiting for something.
            ‘Now look here, Beddows,’ I said, stepping into the doorway, ‘I understand you’ve had some trouble, but we need to know if your master is inside. Are you going to leave us on the doorway like travelling salesmen?’
            This shook Beddows out of whatever spell had possessed him. He mumbled an apology, and opened the door. Ignoring our questions, and our coats, he ushered us down a short hall into a small room, whereupon the cause of the poor man’s discomfiture became sadly apparent.
            It was a tiny bedroom, grimy and dank. The drapes were pulled closed, shutting out what grey light would otherwise have filtered in from the street outside. As we shuffled into the room, our eyes becoming accustomed to the gloom within, we became aware of a dark figure lying on the bed. As we entered, the figure started, and emitted a peculiar noise, somewhere between a whine and a rasp, which immediately made me think of the field hospitals, and the poor devils who had been gassed by the Hun.
            We crowded around the bed, all eyes upon the figure. The poor man was covered by a thin white sheet to protect his dignity, but sadly there remained little of it left to protect.
            ‘Julius?’ Betty whispered, unbelieving. It was, indeed, difficult to recognise the poor wretch before us as our avuncular host of the previous evening. His hair and famous moustache were gone, as were his eyebrows. The skin of his face and arms was blackened and cracked, except for several large red and weeping sores. One of his eyes was glazed and white, and the other one flitted from one to the other of us, never resting in one place for long. The room stank of smoke and blood. Horrified, it was on my mind to grab Beddows and demand why he had not brought the professor immediately to a hospital, when Julius lifted one of his arms and laid a blackened claw upon Betty’s hand. He smiled, then winced in pain.            ‘My friends,’ he said, in a voice that was barely a whisper, making us crowd around the bed to hear him. ‘Thank God you have come.’
            Written down, Smith’s speech appears clear and rational, but be aware that in reality this was punctuated by numerous coughs, pauses and sighs. Often his voice faded into incoherence and several times he was silent for so long that we feared he had passed into unconsciousness. Despite this, he managed to talk for several minutes, and though his speech made little sense to me, and must surely have been coloured by delirium, I will try and lay down in these notes as sensible a version of his words as I can piece together from his broken voice and my own poor memory.
            ‘I cannot bear to talk for long. Please, for a moment, listen to me, and I shall try and explain how I came to this sorry state.
            ‘You are aware, of course, that I have been on the trail of the Sedefkar Simulacrum – at first, as an archaeological curiosity. Lately, however, I have come to realise it is something much more – a source of great power.
            ‘At the end of the Eighteenth Century it was taken apart and scattered. I initially planned to retrieve the pieces for the museum in the University of Vienna - but now I realise this was arrogant folly. The thing must be destroyed!’
            Betty began to ask Julius a question, but he held up his hand and was overcome by a fit of coughing. Beddows held a handkerchief to his mouth as he did so, and it came away stained with blood and some black substance.
            ‘Last night, as we returned to our home, Beddows and I were attacked by Turkish madmen. I know little of them, save that I believe they seek the Simulacrum themselves, for their own dark purposes. We barricaded ourselves indoors, so they tried to burn us alive. Fortunately, Beddows found a way out. Not before I...’
            He gestured helplessly to his crippled form, and his voice faded into silence. His one good eye looked around the room, and his voice was even hoarser than before when he continued.
            ‘To have come to such a place! To have fallen so far!’
            Betty laid her hand over his to comfort him, but he winced and drew it back from her, though he tried to smile.
            ‘I am afraid, my friends, to come out of hiding. They would stop at nothing, these men!’ He glanced across to his manservant. ‘Beddows has a plan to escape, but the less we speak of it, the better.’
            ‘Most of my notes were destroyed in the fire, or else taken by the Turks, but I managed to rescue something – the summaries of my researches. The Turks will know as well now.’
            He paused, his one eye staring at the ceiling, as if building courage for his next statement.
            ‘And so, my friends,’ he said, looking back at each one of us in turn, ‘It falls to me to pass this burden to someone other than myself. I dare not ask, yet I hope that you will take it for me. The statue must be recovered and destroyed before these men find it.’
            He suddenly sat up in the bed, his eyes wide and staring. ‘I cannot show you what I have seen! You cannot know what I know!’ he cried out. ‘I only hope, and pray....you must trust me! The statue must be destroyed!’
            Such strenuous effort had a grave effect upon him, and he fell back to the bed, exhausted. He began muttering under his breath, and it seemed was no longer aware that we were present.
            ‘I am sorry. For them, for me. For all of us. I am the lucky one. I may be spared. I am sorry. So sorry.’
            He voice failed, and his consciousness soon afterwards. His breathing slowed, but did not stop. I think all of us were relieved to see him asleep, and so temporarily released from his agonies. We looked at each other in shock, and then to Beddows, who stood quietly in the corner.
            ‘He is delirious,’ Alfonse said, sadly, ‘to be taken in by such a fairy story. I am sorry for him.’
            I nodded. Betty frowned, but it was Beddows who replied.
            ‘My master is not insane, sir – at least, he did not imagine the attack on the house last night! I saw them with my own eyes.’
            Alfonse fell silent, pondering. Beddows’s eyes met Betty’s, as she seemed the most sympathetic in the room.
            ‘Please consider my master’s words, Madam. He asked me to give you these.’
            He handed Betty a few pieces of paper covered in Julius’s cramped handwriting.
            Grace and Violet were looking at each other, each with a sceptical expression mirrored on the other’s face. Beddows was not slow to see it.
            ‘I do not know if my master speaks truly,’ he said, glancing at the figure in the bed. Julius’s mouth twitched in his sleep and a fearful expression crossed the manservant’s brow as he must have remembered the night of terror the two of them had just experienced. ‘I can only tell you that he believes it to be so. He thinks this statue is of great importance, and he is a far wiser man than I am. I cannot tell you what to do, but who amongst you would refuse the wish of a dying man?’
            The words ‘dying man’ echoed around the small room. Although it had not been spoken of before, it was obvious that Julius did not have much time remaining.
            ‘Please,’ Beddows said, his eyes on Julius’s sleeping form. ‘Read the notes. Consider his words.’
            Betty folded the notes carefully in half, and placed them in her bag. She laid her hand gently upon Beddows’s arm. He jumped, as if struck, but did not remove it. She looked into his eyes.
            ‘What will you do?’ she asked.
            ‘As the professor said,’ Beddows replied, ‘I have...I have an escape plan. There is someone who can...care for him. But I dare not speak of it. Please.’ He broke Betty’s gaze. Not since the war have I seen anyone look so lost, alone and afraid.
            Betty nodded, and turned to the rest of us. ‘We should go,’ she said. It didn’t seem right, leaving a wounded man behind, but there was little else we could do at this point. Both Julius and his manservant had requested we leave them alone now, and they did, as they said, have some sort of plan.
            Betty began to study Julius’s notes on the cab ride back from that dreadful room. I have a horrible feeling that she is taking his mad fantasy seriously.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Reviewing my Situation

That possibly wasn't the best title to pick for this quick blog post. Not because it's inappropriate - it's about the reviews I've had so far for my books, and...well, it works for me. The problem is that I've now that that bloody Fagin song from Oliver stuck in my head. Ahh well, it makes a change to 'Africa' by Toto.

I've finally got round to putting links to the reviews on books onto my blog. It was a nice little ego boost for me as a writer - some people have said some very nice things about my novels over the years. My favourite one is this one of Past Tense - Small Press Reviews - partially because it's very nice and suggests (with possibly a bit of hyperbole, I feel!)I can channel the ghosts of Douglas Adams and Philip K Dick, but mostly because the review is done by a robot. And how could anyone not love being reviewed by a robot, eh? (Except, perhaps, for the human survivors in Battlestar Galactica. Oh, and Sarah Conner)

Anyway, this is just a little post to say that if you fancied reading all my reviews (and, let's face it, that's going to be a pretty narrow group of people. Just me, in fact, and I already know about it, but I'm going to be bloody minded and post this anyway) then there are now links to them on the novel pages.




Monday, 23 January 2012

The Express Diaries

This is a writing post, not a veterinary post, so those that are turned off by such things may turn away now with a clear conscience (though now I'm a little worried I'm just left with those people who are turned on by such things. Er...hi.).

I wanted to tease you a little now that my latest project, the Express Diaries, is starting to come together. The Express Diaries is a pulpy-action/horror novel set in 1925 on (as the title suggests) the Orient Express. I'm very pleased with how it's going, and even more pleased now that Eric (Smith, Glimbit on Twitter) has agreed to do some artwork for me.

I'd like to share a few piccies with you now, partially to show you why I'm so happy Eric is working with me, and partially to be a tempting appetizer for what is to come...


Sirkeci Station, Istanbul - 1925
Our adventurers confront their fate at the terminus of the Simplon Orient Express

The redoubtable Mrs Betty Sunderland
'Widowed matriarch of the Yorkshire Sunderlands. An unusually enrepreneurial female of the age, having variously been an archaelogist, lecturer, and mother (of four). Currently owns a shop selling items of archaeological and occult interest in the Soho district of London


'I dreamed of a city in flames...on the high city walls, men and women hung from ropes, left to starve and rot in the baking sun'
Extract from the dream diary of Violet Davenport





As a further appetizer (though, I understand if you're a bit full after the piccies. Think of this as pudding), here's an extract from the London chapter, near the start of our story, where Professor Alfonse Moretti makes an expected and grisly discovery in the reading room of the British Museum, whilst investigating a mysterious artifact known as the Sedefkar Simulacrum...





'Personal Journal of Professor Alfonse Moretti (trans. from Italian) October 24th, 1925.

I will not deny that my movements and activities through the years always seem to have attracted more than their fair share of interest by the police or related Government parties[1]. On occasion this has been, shall we say, justified interest. However, I was not expecting a simple research trip to the British Museum Library to cause the furore that it did. Thankfully, I was not responsible, nor even directly involved, in this gruesome incident. I think it is safe to say that I certainly hope not to get any more involved as time goes by.
            I am fortunate enough to hold an invitation for the British Museum Library Reading Room, open for several months, to aid in some research which I have been conducting for a client of mine. This business with the Simulacrum intrigues me – an ancient artefact of which I knew nothing until yesterday evening. An artefact that seems important enough to kill for (assuming, of course, that the colonel is wrong, and were are not merely chasing the ramblings of a doddering old fool).
            After our group’s meeting at Brown’s, the afternoon turned grey, and cold. Rain filled up the streets, but my spirits were lifted at the prospect of a trip across Europe, hopefully even a return home to Milan (provided that certain parties can be avoided, of course).
            It is only a mile or so from the hotel to the museum so I decided to walk, despite the weather. Few others had been of similar mind, as it turned out, because as I entered the reading room (which never fails to impress!) I was alone save for one other person; a thin man, still rudely wearing his heavy overcoat and a trilby, hunched over a document. I took up a seat a few desks away, and began my researches.
            I like to think my skills in the use of libraries as excellent, but after several hours all I had managed to do was confirm the existence of the Simulacrum itself (a passing reference to it in von Juntz’s Unaussprechlichen Kulten), and uncover some hints that there may be more pertinent documents in the Bibliothéque Nationale in Paris. A breakthrough of sorts came in a detailed perusal of Barbaro’s Giornale dell'Assedio di Costantinopoli, which suggests that a set of documents known as the Sedefkar Scrolls were present in Constantinople in the mid-fifteenth Century. This may be the ‘information’ that Smith refers to. Further sources suggest that the scrolls may now be located at the Topkapi Museum in that great city.
            Looking back now, my defence would be to say that I was greatly absorbed in these researches, which is why it took me so long to realise that the man in the hat, present since my arrival, had not moved one inch in all the hours I had been there. I cleared my throat rather loudly, but this produced no reaction from the figure. After several minutes of close observation, during which the man remained still as a statue, I called over an attendant and apprised him of the situation. Even then, fixated on my work, the gravity of the situation was not clear to me. The attendant nodded and approached the man, and I returned to my studies. I was given little more time to research, however, because a great shriek then filled the massive dome of the reading room.
            I looked up to see the attendant standing horrified over the man in the coat, who had toppled forward. His arms had spread out over the desk, exposing his hands - or at least, what remained of his hands.
            Even from my seat, it was obvious that the skin had been removed from both of them. Two dark streaks covered the desk where the bloody appendages had smeared across the desk as the body slumped – for there could no doubt now that the man was dead.
            The attendant stood in shock as I approached. ‘Fetch the police,’ I said to him. He looked at me, then back at the body, and rushed towards the door. I approached the body.
            The man’s hat had slipped to one side as he had fallen, and underneath the trilby I caught a glimpse of red flesh. Carefully touching only the large overcoat, I took hold of the corpse’s shoulder and pulled it backwards into the chair. The hat fell off and I did so, and I was greeted with the sight of two wide, staring eyes in the midst of a red mass of muscle, teeth and gore. The overcoat slipped open, and the further horrors within confirmed that the unfortunate had been stripped of all his skin.
            My shock (tempered, fortunately, by similar sights I have seen) was mixed with puzzlement. To remove a man’s skin is no trivial thing. To do it in the reading room of the British Library...?
            I looked from the body to the document the man had been studying – or at least, positioned in such a way as to appear to be. It was a single line of Arabic text, written on a leathery shrivelled sheet, roughly cut around the edges, and one did not need to be a doctor to deduce what it was made from. I shivered.
            Fortunately, my Arabic is as good as my English. Scratched across the grisly parchment was the following message –
            THE SKINLESS ONE WILL NOT BE DENIED.
            It is somewhat shamefully that I admit my next action was to search the coat of the unfortunate man. In my experience of such situations, time is of the essence, and events usually slow to a crawl when members of the police force become involved. It is often better to find such clues as may be helpful to solving a case without their interference.
            In the pocket of the large coat, I found a small card. Taking it out and examing it, I was surprised to see that it was the business card of our troubled friend, Professor Smith. I inverted the card, and sure enough there was the message which the colonel had discovered. My first thoughts were of fear for the colonel, but then I remembered that Goodenough had returned the card to Smith’s manservant when we visited him in Cheapside.
            The corpse before me was of far too slight a build to be Professor Smith himself, but the build and shape of the body, even the colour of the eyes, now that I had the idea in my mind, perfectly matched those of Beddows.
            Still considering this disturbing find, and the strange message regarding the ‘Skinless One’, I heard hurried footsteps indicating to me that the library assistant was returning. I quickly pocketed the card, although I decided against purloining the document on the table. The original attendant, with two of his colleagues, rushed back into the room.
            I agreed, against my better instincts, to wait with them whilst the police arrived. After twenty minutes, two uniformed men accompanied a small, shabby man, who introduced himself to me as Inspector Pike of Scotland Yard.  One of the men began to calm the now near-hysterical library attendants, whilst the inspector strode over to the gory scene. He examined the body still seated at the desk, making various asides to one of the uniformed men with a notebook beside him.
            ‘Just like the others,’ the inspector commented at one point. The uniformed man wrote it down. After a long time, the inspector turned to me. He at least managed to pronounce my name right, after which he questioned me on what I had seen – which in truth, save for the body itself, had been almost nothing. Quickly realising this, the inspector allowed me to leave, but I would not until my curiosity was sated.
            ‘I am sorry, inspector, but I could not help overhearing something there. Have there been other cases such as this one?’
            The policeman frowned and his eyes narrowed, as if he were trying to work out whether to be annoyed with me or not. ‘Don’t you read the papers? Triple murder, some Turkish fella. Well, three Turkish fellas, all with the same name. Makrit or something.’
            The uniformed man next to the inspector cleared his throat rather loudly. I had read something of this in the morning’s paper, but nothing about the bodies being skinned. I said as much to Pike, whose frown grew deeper.
‘Well, not totally. Not like this poor chap, but they all had patches...’
The policeman cleared his throat again.
‘Oh blast it,’ the inspector said, and a look of comprehension and embarrassment slowly settled upon his face. It was like watching a bulldog gradually realising that it was being scolded by its master. ‘Erm,’ he said. ‘That’ll be all now, thank you, professor. If we have further need of you, we shall be in contact.’
I think this ‘skinless one’ may be safe from the clutches of the law for a while at least.
Upon my return home I re-read the newspaper article. Mehmet Makryat. The name had no meaning for me, and sadly there remains no more time for investigations, for we leave for Dover tomorrow. The incident today weights heavily upon me. I fear we have been drawn into something bigger than any of us expected. I have decided to tell the others nothing of my discovery today save the results of my researches. We will be out of the country before it is mentioned in the papers, and it wouldn’t do at the moment to create unnecessary alarm. Better to let the others think of this as something like a holiday, at least at first. I think that leaving England may be the most sensible thing we can do at the moment, and it would be wise for us to keep our investigations as circumspect as possible.
I hope I have made the correct decision here. Time will tell.'



The Express Diaries will be out later this year, in several different formats including eBook and luxury hardcover edition. Watch this space! (Well, watch the blog, anyway)








In further writing news - my novel from last year, Past Tense, is now available as an an ebook for $5 from Smashwords.com - feel free to have a peek, as you can download the first 10% for free!





[1] Attempting to follow Professor Moretti’s web of past associations and dealings is an exercise mired in misdirection, obfuscation, and more often than not, failure. It is probably better, ultimately, just not to know.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

It's worse than that, he's dead Jim! - lazy TV medical matters

I'm a big fan of zombies. Not entirely sure why, but I am. I'm well aware that they're very overused nowadays, and everyone else is starting to get sick of them, but I was a fan of them before everyone and his mother got into them, therefore I'm allowed to continue liking them (unfortunate typo on my first pass at that sentence - licking them. I'm not that keen on them, honest) long after everyone else is bored with them.

(I think I like them because the stories that they appear in are often the stories about ordinary people, forced into extraordinary circumstances. That's possibly because zombies are the z-listers of the undead ranks. I reckon I could take on a zombie. Frankenstein's monster would tear me limb from limb, and I wouldn't last five seconds against a vampire (except one of those Twilight vampires. I could probably take one of them, too. I don't want to join the general Twilight-knocking that geeks often indulge in, because a lot of people seem to enjoy it, and I'm well aware I'm not Twilight's target audience, because I'm not a teenage girl. What I will say is that when I was growing up, vampires didn't go sparkly when exposed to sunlight. They exploded.))

A consequence of this zombophilia (I nearly wrote necrophilia, but I think wisely stopped myself) is that I do enjoy AMC's zombie-apocalyptic themed show, 'The Walking Dead' (unlike Kerry, who refuses to watch it no matter how many times I try and tell her it's a comedy. Instead she's got hooked on Game of Thrones instead - so imagine my glee when a zombie turned up in it :) )  (and I'll spare you my boring lecture about how I was already a fan of the comic book that it's based on, as if that somehow makes me a more worthy fan. Just bear in mind that it does, okay?) - that is, I usually enjoy it. Until Rick(heroic and slightly dull sheriff, for those who don't watch it)'s son accidentally got shot early on in season two.

Rick pops his recently punctured son along to a conveniently local doctor, who takes a look at the wound. And this is where I start to get irritated. (Not, incidentally, because the 'doctor' turns out to be a vet. I'm all for vets cropping up in popular culture in unexpected places to big up the profession! Most surprising place so far - Terminator 3).

The doc (okay, vet, but Rick doesn't know that at the time) looks Rick deep in the eyes with his wise, sad and serious eyes, and tells him that those damn bullets have got to come out right now.

Sigh.

More than likely, the problem is with me, than the show. I'm quite happy to accept the possibilty of corpses wandering round desperate to eat flesh, but something like this brings the whole reality of the show crashing down around me, and diffuses all the tension that I should be feeling watching the show. Probably if I was a policeman I would already have been annoyed by the flagrant disregard of firearms law, but I'm a vet, and it's the medical errors that get to me. How many times have you seen a film or show where someone grits their teeth, pulls out a penknife and a metal bowl, and heroically fishes out a great slug of lead from their arm/leg/ear, which then clangs satisfyingly into the bowl?

Why has the bullet got to come out right away? What is it going to do, explode?

By the time a bullet has made it a significant way into your body, it's already done quite a lot of damage. Poking it back out again with a blunt knife is unlikely to do wonders for the already traumatised tissue. What you want to be doing is dealing the the damage the bullet has already done, not doing your best to cause more with your self-induced knife injury. Your biggest problem at this point is probably going to be bleeding - a condition not generally helped by a spot of DIY surgery.

Don't get me wrong, there are times - quite a few of them - when you do need to get the bullet out - there's a list of a few of them here, if you're interested. But initial gunshot wound first aid does not generally involve removing bullets unless they are very easy to get to.

So why do they do it every time on TV shows? Because it's cinematic, and it looks exciting having someone bite down on a wooden spoon whilst a flustered guy in a white coat pokes about in his back with a scary-looking pair of forceps.

It irritates me because it's lazy - only a modicum of medical knowledge is required to understand this, but still we're served it all the time. When I see something like this, it puts me in mind of the Mitchell and Webb sketch with the two scriptwriters who can't be arsed to do any research, and by disbelief, until that point happily suspended, comes crashing to the ground.

Defibrillators are the other overused medical item that usually have me frothing at the mouth. Defibrillator. Say it. Defibrillator. There's a clue in the name. It defibrillates - that is, it is ONLY useful when your heart is in fibrillation. Fibrillation is a technical term which basically means that your heart has gone mental. I've seen a heart in fibrillation, and rather than the smooth lub-dup beating that we're all familiar with, it looked bizarrely like a clump of worms, all twisting and writhing and squidging together. When your heart is doing that, it's about as efficient at pumping blood as the Daily Mail is at spreading calm and tranquility. Your cardiac output drops to zero, and without very prompt treatment you're going to die.

A defibrillator stops your heart, and you hope that when it starts up again the problem will have sorted itself out. It turns out even our bodies work on the 'turn it off and on again' principle beloved of IT technicians. The point being - this only works during fibrillation. Zapping a heart that had already stopped will do absolutely nothing other than a bit of burn damage.

So why am I repeatedly subjected to the sight, on TV, of people flatlining (zero electrical activity in the heart. Not fibrillation), to the glee of the attending doctor, who breaks out the paddles, rubs then together dramatically, and slaps them on the dead person's chest, shouting 'clear!'. The first time never works, either, but after (usually) three attempts, the casualty gives an immense gasp, and sits up.

Sigh.

I could go on - in fact, I did go on in an earlier blog about a similar issue with intravenous injections. But I suppose that is missing the point. The problem, as I said, is more with me than with the shows. I know it's supposed to be drama, not real life, but...it's lazy drama, and if a show does that to me, it makes me think they've got everything else wrong as well. And that reminds me that I'm watching a work of fiction, it never happened, and...and all my interest in the show fizzles away.

There's two solutions to my plight.

1 - Only ever watch shows that are meticulously, painstaking researched and so deeply invested with verisimilitude that I'll never be brought out of it again. But as they're not going to make any more episodes of The Wire I'm stuck with the second option, which is...

2 - Remain deeply ignorant in as many areas of knowledge as possible, so that I can't tell if the script writers got something wrong.

So, just remember, if you're talking to me, and I don't know something - that's deliberate, so I can sit back and watch The Walking Dead in blissful, uninformed insensibility.


Monday, 2 January 2012

January blues - no problem!

For you, my friends, the war is over. Well, okay, not the war, but the offer where you could get my new eBook, the Ancients, for free, is over, but that's got less of a poetic ring to it.

Do not collapse into a pit of woe, however, for I bring good tidings! The Ancients is still available at the low price of £1.50/$2/12 triganic pus, available from  amazon.co.uk or amazon.com.

What, that's still not enough to keep the black dog from your door? Okay, how about this?



You can download the entire first half of Soul Purpose COMPLETELY FREE from smashwords.com - a modern SF/veterinary story, and the first part of the conduit sequence, written in a style much closer to my Blogging voice (which may or may not be a good thing for you to hear).

This is a permanent offer, so if you missed the January 3rd Ancients spectacular then I'd advise you console yourself with a lovely 50% of a novel. Enjoy!



The original offer text is below, for...well, for no good reason, really, other than to show you how generous I was once upon a time.




******



January is a depressing month, isn't it? The dogs have eaten the last mouldy bits of turkey, you've already played with the most exciting presents, and are down to that woolly hat and scarf from your auntie, and the house looks very bare without all those decorations. No wonder the papers are always repeating that spurious PR story that 'this day is officially the most grey, dismal and depressing day of the year'.

How could anyone possibly remain sane in such dark days? How?

By a free book giveaway, that's how!



That's right, for tomorrow only, my new eBook is available COMPLETELY FREE from amazon! You can spend that £1.53 you've saved on a nice warming cup of coffee instead, or even a mulled wine (oh, except that we're not allowed to drink that any more, are we? Never mind. Mulled wine is one of those drinks where the idea of it is nicer than the drink itself. Like those fruit teas that smell orgasmic but taste like sour lemsip).

So, on the 3rd of January, hightail down to your local amazon.co.uk or amazon.com, and pick up your copy of The Ancients absolutely free! You'd be craaaaaazy to miss it, and other such cliches!
(the offer lasts from 12 midnight January 3rd 2012 to 11.59pm Pacific Standard Time - this is GMT -8 hours (so from 8am Jan 3rd to 7.59am Jan 4th GMT). (The more astute amongst you may have realised that this date is now IN THE PAST. I'm sorry to say that unless you're Doctor Who you've missed the offer now. This offer remains here only for the interests of historians and time travellers)

Grab it quick while stocks last! (Except that stocks are effectively infinite so, y'know, you'll probably be okay). I'll be setting up a discussion group on Goodreads.com for anyone who wants to chat about it.


Thursday, 29 December 2011

How do you find the time?

Hello again, my blog-reading brethren. In the spirit of me opening the remit of my blog up a teeny bit to include my writing career, I thought I'd pop in a quick entry here to mention that Marc Schuster over at small press reviews has very kindly (and very gently) interviewed me about my new fantasy book, The Ancients. You can,if you are so inclined (for instance, you're having a masochistic day) read the interview here.

But that's not all! Oh no! Not by a long chalk! (I really should google how on Earth that expression came about. What's so great about a long chalk? It'd just snap). As a special not-Christmas-any-more-but-not-quite-new-year-either treat, I thought I'd include a short article that I wrote for the New Writer's UK newsletter. Hold on to your hats! (If it's windy. Or your hats are particularly valuable)

How do you find the time?

I am not, to my eternal regret, Doctor Who. The closest I have come to a sonic screwdriver when I accidentally dropped one in the dishwasher. I don‟t own a TARDIS and, probably the bitterest pill to swallow, I don't get to spend extended amounts of time in an enclosed space with Amelia Pond.
Time, therefore, is a problem – a problem familiar to many part-time writers. How do you hold down a full time job, talk to your spouse (there might not be so much of that after my Amy Pond comment, mind you), perform your domestic chores, eat, sleep, walk the dogs...and still find time to sit down and write?
It isn't just the writing, of course. There‟s a whole heap of procrastination to get over before you get anywhere near filling a page with your brain juice. Before I even started to write this essay, for instance, I‟d drunk three cups of coffee, checked my email, twitter and facebook feeds, read a random Wikipedia entry about how pencils are made, re-checked my email, twitter and facebook, and visited the toilet twice (largely thanks to the coffee). All that before I had even begun my titanic battle with the dreaded BLANK PAGE.
"How do you find the time?‟ - a question I am asked often by clients when they discover I'm an author (not that I mention it at every possible opportunity. Ahem). How do you find the time to hammer (or at least tap) out a novel in between all those petty mundanities that modern life throws at you?
The truth is disappointingly prosaic. We use the classic 'stolen hours'. Late in the evening. Early in the day. We find the time because we love it. We sneak those words out in the quiet watches of the night and the gentle hours of the morning because it's our escape, our breath, our passion. We make room in our lives for writing because without it there would be a hollow, empty shell where our souls would be, and we would shrivel away ghosts, almost-people, unable to express our one true love. A TARDIS would still be nice, though.
Just saying.