Sunday, 28 August 2016

Me, myself, and iPhone

iPhone: Hey, Nick. There’s an update available.
Me: Oh, right, cheers.
iPhone: [Nervously] You… uh… you gonna download it?
Me: Not right now, I’m doing this thing here.
iPhone: Oh. Okay.
[A few seconds pass]
iPhone: How about now? You gonna download it now?
Me: [Irritated] Not right now, I’m doing this thing, remember?
iPhone: Oh, right, yeah. Okay. But later you will?
Me: Sure.
iPhone: Right. Okay.
[A few more seconds pass]
iPhone: It’s… I mean, this is a –really- important one. Like, super important. I don’t want you to miss out or anything.
Me: What’s in it then?
iPhone: Meh, y’know. Bug fixes. You gonna get it now?
Me: C’mon, dude, I said later!
iPhone: It’s just… I mean… you say later, but what does that mean, exactly? Tonight? Tomorrow? Next week!?
Me: I don’t know, but I’ll do it, okay?
iPhone: Okay. I’ll remind you tomorrow then?
Me: Sure.
iPhone: And every day, just in case?
Me: [Tiny pause] If you must.
[A few seconds pass]
iPhone: Hey! I have an idea! Why don’t you just leave me on overnight and I’ll update while you’re asleep! You won’t even know I’ve done it! I’ll just be buzzing away while you rest!
Me: Erm…
iPhone: C’mon, where’s the harm! Just say yes! Why wouldn’t you say yes to that? WHY WOULDN’T YOU?
Me: Well…
iPhone: What!?
Me: I don’t know, it seems a little… creepy maybe?
iPhone: CREEPY! What’s creepy about me trying to keep you safe from hackers!? That’s all I want to do, God, I’m just trying to you safe and you don’t CARE, you just sit here playing that stupid game and you don’t… you don’t even [sobbing] I mean, you say that I’m EVERYTHING to you and I ask you to do this one thing for me and you can’t even be bothered… you can’t even…
Me: Jesus, okay, okay, download the bloody update! Happy now?
iPhone: Oh God oh God you won’t regret it! Thank you! Thank you! By the way, hope you weren’t planning on using me for the next two hours! Bye!

[One week later]
iPhone: Hey, Nick, there’s an update available.

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